A Huge Mistake and a Stoic Response

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

–Serenity Prayer

“So, I have something to tell you,” the voice said on the other line. It was my assistant. She was obviously unnerved.

This happened a few years ago during my time as an executive director. I was helping with my kids’ school fundraiser–an all-day walk-a-thon. At mid-day we had a break, and I snuck a call into work.

“What’s up?” I asked, bracing for something horrible.

“I made a huge mistake,” she replied. “I was working on that summary for the grant report you asked me to help with. I pulled all the invoices for exhibit fabrication, and the numbers weren’t matching up.” She paused to take a deep breath, “As it turns out, I realized I didn’t send one of them through for payment after you signed off on it.”

We were in the midst of a multi-million dollar exhibits renovation project. This was a big check. It had three numbers on both sides of the comma. That being said, it wasn’t a “huge” mistake. Rare is the mistake that is–in fact–“huge.”

“What’s your plan to fix it?” was my response. She detailed her plan to call the vendor and apologize. Then to get a new check issued and sent out ASAP.

“Okay, that sounds good,” I replied.

“Aren’t you mad?” she inquired. “If I were you I’d want to yell at me.”

“What good would that do?”

Expecting excellence

I’m sure you have very high standards for your work. Most nonprofit executives do. After all, your commitment to excellence got you to the big chair.

You likely cringe when you see a typo in the board report. You notice the one burnt out light bulb in the whole building.

And receiving the auditors’ findings from their annual visit? Yikes…that will definitely put you on your therapist’s couch.

Editor’s note: you know they’re paid to find even the tiniest errors, right?

Members of your team make mistakes. It’s going to happen.

People make mistakes. But you don’t have to like it.

In a recent coaching session, a client verbalized his frustration. “What do I say when someone makes a mistake? I feel like polite society has taught us to say, ‘Oh, that’s okay…it’s no big deal.’”

“But it is a big deal,” he continued. “I want our team to be committed to excellence, not the bare minimum. How do I handle it?”

In reflecting on my own time as an ED, I resonated strongly with his frustration. My stomach got tight as I mentally put myself back in that spot.

When one mistake becomes four

Here’s what I told him to definitely not do. Ever.

He shouldn’t come down on his staff member like a ton of bricks. He shouldn’t “lose it.”

When I was younger, I had a boss like that. He yelled at me when I made mistakes.

You know what happened? I’d get so freaked out that I’d make four more mistakes. In fact, it got to the point where I would make a mistake, realize it before my manager would, and then make a bunch more in anticipation of his yelling.

I’m sure you’ve been there. Something bad happens. Then you get stressed. Then you press even harder.

And then it seems like everything unravels. Everything you touch turns to garbage.

That’s why we have maxims like “when it rains, it pours.”

What would Epictetus do?

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

–Epictetus

When you’re a nonprofit ED, mistakes by your staff members can mess with your head. They can cause you a lot of anxiety. After all, you’ve got a board looking over your shoulder. If your team is making mistakes, will the board think you’re an ineffective manager?

Unfortunately, when we react to situations while feeling anxiety–often anxiety arising from silly permutations of the problem, manufactured entirely in our brains–we are not our best versions of ourselves.

It is at these times that you need to get Stoic.

Epictetus was one of the great Stoic philosophers. He taught that things which are external, those that happen to us are beyond our control. What is within our control, though, is our reactions.

When something bad happens, accept it calmly and dispassionately. Don’t pull in other bad things that have happened recently and conclude the universe is conspiring against you. Don’t allow your lizard brain to run wild concocting ridiculous scenarios which will never happen.

Do spend some time analyzing the true situation to determine what benefit you can derive from it.

Then you’re ready to deal with it.

You can’t put toothpaste back in the tube

I shared my story of the assistant’s mistake with my coaching client.

First off, since she was bringing the mistake to my attention, it obviously couldn’t be undone. After all, if it could, she would have already done that before bringing it to me…wouldn’t she?

By some miracle, I was able to resist the urge to get mad. I wanted to launch into a lecture, but I was able to fight it back.

I didn’t tell her it was okay. In fact, I literally said, “This is one of those times I feel like I should say ‘it’s okay.’ But it isn’t okay. You know we expect excellence here.”

Together, we used it as a teaching moment. We kept our focus on the the future. We came up with a system to minimize the chances of it happening again.

Don’t be a pushover

Being stoic is not the same as being a pushover. The point isn’t “forgive and forget.”

In fact, in a case as I’ve described, I would make note of the exchange. Nothing fancy, just jot a quick note of the issue, the mutually-agreed outcome, and put it in a file to be retrieved at annual review time. To be clear: not the formal personnel file; simply whatever system you use to remind yourself.

If, at review time, that’s the only note in the file, crumple it up and throw it in the trash. After all, making mistakes is part of being human.

If there are lots of notes documenting lots of mistakes, on the other hand, you need to take serious action. If it comes to that, you’re better off using objective data as opposed to a subjective “it feels like you’ve made lots of errors.” As we all know, “lots” isn’t an amount.

Don’t rely on your memory. Do rely on notes.

What do you think?

Do you employ any benefits of stoicism in your management style? What has your experience been? I’d love to hear about it! Send me a message or hop over to the Nonprofit Wizards Facebook page!

Darren Macfee is the founder of the Nonprofit Wizards. His life purposes are to dispense homespun wisdom, grill a perfect meal for his family, and help nonprofit leaders create amazing results for and through their organizations. Follow him on Twitter @NPWizards or send him a note. Be sure to sign up for alerts so you never miss a post.