Who do you get naked with?

There she sat. Completely naked.

Everyone in the room stared in quiet disbelief.

To protect the innocent, I’ll call her Pam.

Pam had just uttered the word “suicide.” To be fair, she was explaining that she has never contemplated–and isn’t currently contemplating–suicide.

Then again, it’s one of those words that makes a room stop cold.

“I just don’t know what to do,” Pam told us, “I’ve been a nonprofit director for more than 15 years now, and I’ve never felt like this.”

Spilling the beans

Pam began to take us on a twisting, turning journey of horrors.

Six months earlier, a disgruntled senior staff member had gone to the board chair to try and get Pam fired. Per the organization’s “whistleblower” policy, a special committee of the board was appointed to investigate the allegations.

Pam was put on a one-week leave of absence. Every staff member was interviewed. Files were examined, both paper and electronic. Even though she wasn’t accused of malfeasance, the financials were scrutinized just for due diligence.

At the end, Pam was exonerated. The evidence obviously and overwhelmingly pointed to this staff member making an ill-advised play for Pam’s job. The individual was terminated and the matter was officially “put to rest.”

Under the microscope

Unofficially, though, the matter was about as restful as a toddler with an ear infection.

“Maybe I’m imagining all of this,” Pam continued, “but I feel like I’m being scrutinized all the time. Every day. Every decision I make. Every statement I make.”

“It’s as if my first eight years of stellar performance at this organizations were totally invalidated.”

She continued, “My marriage is in shambles. I’m depressed. I’ve gained weight. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been.”

“I’m just so tired…”

Pam wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay in her job. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay in her marriage.

She wasn’t really sure about anything.

And she was at her breaking point.

We wear armor to protect ourselves

When you run a nonprofit, you are tempted to have all the answers.

Maybe this is the same for leaders of any kind. But I’m really only qualified to talk about nonprofit leaders..

Executive Directors/CEOs can–and do–get fired because their boards lose confidence in them. Nothing egregious, mind you; just a simple “loss of confidence”–whatever that means.

Executive Directors get fired because major donors “lose confidence” in them.

They get fired because specific board members or staff decide to go on a witch hunt.

Because of this, it is common for directors to put on a middle ages-style suit of armor. At least psychologically.

I know I did.

“How are things at the children’s museum, Darren?”

“Oh man,” I would reply, “fantastic!” And then I would tick off all the great things currently happening, of which there were always many.

I wouldn’t tell about the other stuff, though.

The fact that annual fund revenues were lagging behind projections.

The two hours I spent earlier in the day mediating a feud between two members of the staff.

The board member who, at last week’s board meeting (his first after being MIA for over a year), took the group on a bird-walk that resulted in me having to research peer institutions and collect benchmark data to justify my position of not changing our currently-working policy. (I see you silently nodding your head)

Thing is, armor is heavy

When we wear armor around all day, it gets heavy. We sweat and strain to remain perfectly upright. And we try our hardest not to let anyone to see how heavy it is.

We hold out as long as we can. Sometimes the weight becomes too much. Sometimes we get tired.

And then we fall in a spectacular heap.

That’s what happened to Pam.

Pam needed some naked time

Pam stripped off all of her armor. She threw it down in spectacular fashion.

She really just needed to talk.

We listened. Nobody tried to solve her problems for her. Nobody judged her. We just let her talk.

She cried. We all cried. Even me. It hurts to see your friends in such pain.

Then she stopped.

We let the silence linger.

“Thank you,” she finally broke the silence. “I’ve been carrying this around for a long time. I just needed to get it out of my head.”

“We love you Pam,” we all said as we took turns giving her hugs.

Getting naked can help

Pam decided to redouble her efforts. With our encouragement, she started seeing a licensed therapist. Because…you know…life.

She invested in building a relationship with her new board chair. She came clean about her worries and fears. He stood behind her.

That problematic board member resigned.

She opened up to her husband about her work worries. Initially he freaked. But then he mellowed.

He became her biggest cheerleader.

You need to be careful who you get naked with

Humorist Robert Benchley once wrote (I’m paraphrasing, slightly):

“There are two kinds of people in this world: those who constantly divide people into two categories, and those who don’t.”

I love that quote. But now I’m going to put the people of the world into two categories.

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can be honest that their life isn’t perfect, and those who can’t.

If you’re going to be naked with someone, you have to be careful the other person falls into category 1. Those who are unwilling to admit their life isn’t perfect are still cloaked in their own armor. They’re too scared…too insecure…to take it off.

Think of a knight going into a joust with no armor and no lance, against a fully armed…and armored…opponent. How’s that going to work out?

Being naked in front of category 2 puts you at risk. A category 2 board chair might allow the seeds of doubt to be sown when you begin speaking about your struggles, for instance. You need to be honest and you need to be truthful–but you also need to be cautious.

Once you do find that rare confidant, though, don’t be afraid to let everything show. You’ll be stronger in the end.

What do you think?

What benefits have you realized by opening up to a trusted confidant? I’d love to hear about it! Send me a message or hop over to the Nonprofit Wizards Facebook page!

Darren Macfee is the founder of the Nonprofit Wizards. His life purposes are to dispense homespun wisdom, grill a perfect meal for his family, and help nonprofit leaders create amazing results for and through their organizations. Follow him on Twitter @NPWizards or send him a note. Be sure to sign up for alerts so you never miss a post.